I spent this New Years Eve at an AA function.
An alcohol free dinner and dance.
The DJ left alot to be desired but what do you want for free and out in the middle of East Bum-Fucked Egypt?
The most amazing conversation took place at the event. It wasn't an instant "God Moment" but it was a slow burn kind of conversation where I came away thinking about me as a whole. I shared with this guy from the program that I loved to write. I really do love to write. Well, I guess what I really love to do is to put my thoughts into words. It helps me sort and sift and really chew. I am a processor. If there is such a thing. I hear things and then will lament and chew them over and over. Especially if there is a profoundness in them.
And during this exchange with my fellow.....I realized that I had set my writing down as he had put away his painting. I was blown away that someone could set a gift like painting down. And after this conversation...I realized that him setting his gift down...grieved me. Actually me setting my gift down is what grieved me....I just did not recognize it at the time. I have always been puzzled by people that "put things down" that are obviously talents and gifts from a Higher Power. They put them down for certain reasons. Depression. Time. Money. The gift can sometimes become an idol and therefore has to be put aside. But I think that in my case I set my writing down because I didn't really want to process anything of myself because I had been going thru so much pain and turmoil that to really own it just was too much.
I am ready now to go forward. I gotta step up and step in. So I created this page for my journey back into the rooms of AA as a program re-run.
I will be doing my step work here. And I will leave it open for all to see. If there is something that I have gone thru that may help someone else find their way then so be it.
This is where I will embrace my alcoholism and the journey into and thru the 12 steps.
THE ASSIGNMENT:
Sponsor gave me the following assignment for Step 1. It has been waiting since Thanksgiving. Can you tell I want to embrace Step 1? However, I am ready. I am powerless over alcohol. I am powerless of the effects it has on my body. My brain. My spirituality. Here is my first step:
Out of the Big Book....Read the Preface, the Forward, and the Doctor's Opinion.
Answer the following questions:
Sponsor: Are you aware that your illness affected both your mind and your body.
Me: Yep. I cannot argue this at all. My memory decreased. Partly because when I drank which was almost every day, I drank to forget. I drank to not think. I drank to not feel. I wanted it to affect my mind. Life was too much for me to handle. I was too much for me to handle. Now that I am 6 months (sans a Halloween one time relapse), my mind and my memory have slowly started to un-drunk. I can remember shit without writing it down. I can go in the grocery store and remember what I need at home because I am not sidelined by the damn wine isle. Did affect my body? Oh yeah. I know as a gastric bypass patient food is an issue. Wine helped me be able to eat without a whole lot of discomfort. Not only that but wine replaced alot of my meals. I didn't eat dinner. I drank. I gained weight. I had black circles under my eyes. And I rarely ever rested well because my body was trying to clean out all the alcohol in my sleep. Oh and the hangovers killed me. Constant headaches. Tired. Lethargic.
Sponsor: Can you believe or can you accept the concept of an allergic reaction to alcohol?
Me: This allergic reaction thing trips me up. I know that for me, my body cannot handle it. My drinking career is very short. 5 yrs tops? So, the allergy had to be developed by all the surgeries I had. The modifications to my body. I am really not clear on the clinical side of alcoholism as an allergy but I do know for me....that I cannot drink without a black out. I cannot drink without hurting myself in one way or another. And I know that I cannot drink.
Sponsor: What is an allergy?
Me: A body's reaction to a substance or stimuli that it has no ability to fight off on its own.
Sponsor: Do you agree with the idea of hospitalization?
Me: Yes. In the case of severe detox. In the cases of people who need outside help.
Sponsor: Have you experienced the phenomenon of craving?
Me: Yep. Happens when I least expect it. Its a mental thing and nothing else. Usually brought on my extreme emotional distress. But it passes quickly if I resist.
Sponsor: Did you like the effect of alcohol?
Me: Ah...Duh. Yep. I drank for the effects of the immediate. I liked the way my head stopped thinking. I liked the way that my confusion ended because I couldn't think. I liked it that I didn't really feel anything. It's the thoughts and feelings that caused me to want to numb out. The after effects sucked. I remember waking up still drunk, knowing that I would have to drive to work. I would have to function and deal with people and numbers. The effects lasted much longer that the buzz did. I would be hung over for most of the day...until I stopped on my way home for another bottle of wine.
Sponsor: Did you reach the point where you could not differentiate "the true from the false"?
Me: No.
Sponsor: Did your alcoholic life seem normal?
Me: Yes it did. I was in a routine and it was normal. I drank more on the days where I didn't have to get up the next morning to go to work and in my mind...that was normal.
Sponsor: The doctor seems to say that a 'psychic change' must occur. What is a psychic change?
Me: A spiritual awakening. A shifting in the spirit of the drinker.
Sponsor: Can you accept that alcoholism has never been by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated?
Me: Yes. It would be nice if someone would come up with a pill that I could take to help me drink like a lady...but until that happens....I am destined to live this life out alcohol free one day at a time. I must be in this program and working at my recovery to stay sober. It has to be a purposeful journey that starts and ends one day at a time.
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